Scalextric Circular

Dear FW,

I’m over thinking again,

started drinking,

again.

The matter is not grey.

It’s a red screaming sports car,

demanding attention, constant incoherence, engine-revving,

going nowhere,

and not in gear.

Repeating, repeating, repeating

the same track,

Scalextric circular.

Round, round, round,

‘til heated metal burns

and at the turns,

the car flies off its needle.

Crashes.

Spinning

into the sofa

onto the floor.

 

It’s not suprising

I’m over analysing.

On the brink of something.

A cliff edge?

A chasm?

An abyss?

What’s amiss?

There’s nothing technically wrong.

Everything is wrong.

Discomfort.

A physical pain.

What is a runner who cannot run?

A player who cannot play?

I still function, but badly.

There’s no escape,

no let up,

no relief or release.

When the things that scare me come,

I cannot run

but round we go.

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Hairless Neanderthal

Dear FW,

There’s something you should know.

I am a neanderthal.

Although, clearly a naked one, because I am blessed with being significantly less hairy than my less-evolved counterparts.

I’m not saying that I walk about dragging my knuckles and clubbing animals. That’s not how I roll.

What I mean is that I need cave time.

Cave time is something my cousin and I discussed at length on a long road trip one Christmas. The essence of it is simple, introverted persons need cave time. Some people call it me time, but that sounds selfish.

The amount of cave time they need is dependent on the person and the environment or situation they are. The more sociable or stressful the situation the more cave time is needed to recover.

Examples of cave time include; reading, binge-watching tv shows, stretching/yoga, writing, listening to music and pottering about. These kind of activities require alone-ness, quiet and preferably closed doors and curtains where possible.

Cave time allows for relaxing and it helps the mind stop screaming. Noisy mind is a longstanding problem which is exacerbating by a lack of cave time.

I need quite a lot of cave time.

I love you and I love hanging out with you, you’re my best friend,  but cave time is essential. Without it I lose who I am, the noise levels get too much and you wouldn’t like who I become.

There is a delicate balance though.

Too much cave time is equally as bad as not enough cave time. It is by nature a solo activity but humans are pack animals and the connection to community and socialising is important.

So, when it looks like I’m retreating more than normal, through me a life buoy. Drag me out of the house to do something with other humans. I won’t want to, I’ll protest, but do it anyway. I will thank you for it afterwards.

You’ll eventually learn when it’s cave time, and what is a healthy amount of it. Try not to get jealous of the cave time, I’ll come back to you, always. Trust me when I say that it’s a good thing for both of us.

Love you always,

x

Hold my hand…no really

Dear FW,

Sometimes I have bad days.

Not all bad days are equal. However, there are ways to make them better and ways to make them worse.

I might not be pleasant on my bad days. It’s not you.

I repeat, it is not you. And trust when I say, I don’t mean to be mean.

You have the power to make a bad day better.

It’s pretty simple really. Just hold my hand, literally and figuratively.

Try not to get angry.

Try to understand that sometimes I just can’t help it.

Do not feed me beer.

Do not laugh at me, I’m really not kidding.

Know that it will pass and that I will love you all the more for still being there in the morning.

I hear music

Dear FW,

There are a few things you should know before you commit.

You’ll notice the dancing, the tapping of feet, the wiggling of the head to a beat out of reach of human ears. You’ll be looking around and straining to find the source of the sound.

It’s just the soundtrack in my head playing constantly. Every day, all day.

Many times, so many times, I’ve thought my iPod or radio was playing only to find it wasn’t. It’s the radio station broadcasting in my brain. Sometimes it plays fragments of songs, sometimes whole tracks, once or twice a whole album.

If you find it difficult to get my attention it’s because the music is too loud. To be honest it gets pretty noisy. It makes it difficult to concentrate on occasion.

The only way to block it out is to hold my full attention (you know what that means)… or to put some music on.

But hey, it could be worse, at least I don’t hear screaming voices…plus there’s always something to dance to.

S

xx