The Resolutioners

Respect goes to the sweaty ones, to the ones with withdrawal shakes and to those craving the booze. Kudos to those with the long list of ambitious goals and lofty dreams.  Congratulations to those who self-flagelate via food denial and to those who push through the pushup pain.

They are upgrading themselves, to the New You v2.0. They are Jantastic. They are DryAthletes. They WILL be two stone lighter, get a date, quit smoking, stop drinking and run a marathon. All in 2014.

They are The Resolutioners.

And they are the second most annoying thing about January.

(The other is the car insurance renewal)

Every year the same thing happens. They invade the gym, the Parkrun, the TV, the high street, even the Google Ads are having a field day down the side bar of the world wide web.

Extricating themselves from that sofa dwelling, junk eating existance the Resolutioners promise themselves (and Facebook and Twitter) that THIS IS THE YEAR!

I salute their good intentions. I honestly do believe in bettering oneself.

But if the Resolutioners really wanted to improve their lives why wait until New Year?  Why not start on 27 December? Or last May? Why wait until the crappest month of the year replete with the horrors of Christmas anticlimax, being broke and terrible weather?  The diet-starts-on-Monday plan never made sense either.

But they all chose January for their fresh starts.

This causes a problem. You see I actually use my gym membership all year round. It was not part of a new year’s resolution.

For the last few weeks, I have struggled to find a parking space at the gym. There were not even cramped awkward spaces designed for a professional stunt driver behind the wheel of a Smart Car. Worse still my favourite treadmill was occupied. There wasn’t enough space on the floor to swing a kettle bell never mind a cat.

It was all highly irritating.

Thankfully in a few weeks it will all be back to normal.

I’ve seen it happen.

Over eager, over ambitious and ultimately destined for failure.  Oblivious to the fact that fitness is for life not just for January they go in too hard, too fast and fall over with exertion after three weeks.

At that point everything (everything!)  will be hurting. Then a fag, a beer and a takeaway menu will prove too tempting…and oops there goes another one. Ending, of course, in a miserable heap of self loathing watching Supersize-Superskinny and making excuses for themselves.

I’ve been there. When trying to quit drinking for a year I made it four months before someone pissed me off enough to make the urge to get wankered irresistible. Admittedly was a dumbass idea given the number of functioning alcoholics who occupied my social circle at the time.

It is really hard to stick to those promises. So good luck Resolutioners!

I’m sure the feverish bout of pious determination will subside and everyone will feel much better soon. In the mean time I look forward February, an excess of parking spaces and hammering the treadmill on the top floor, three in from the left.

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